Reporting live from the F

Ive got a lot of ground to cover here. Ill start with funny.
Yesterday, I had a gig that I was really excited about. Not a paying gig mind you, but I was going to do hair for some test shots of models that a photographer acquaintance of mine had put together. Like the congnac ad before him (thats what I was supposed to do last week, but didnt work out for one reason or another) he cancelled, couldnt get confirmation from the models, couldnt get the agency to nail down a time. I had already staged my absence from work, so when I got his email, it was nine o clock and I had to get to the upper east side in half an hour. My private plane is down (its all ball bearings these days!) so I was forced to take the F in (not a half an hour trip mind you, I was late.) I was sitting on the train, reading my book about what is and isnt like to be a Jewish writer, a large and heady book of essays from all kindsa Jews who write and have time to write essays about being a Jew who writes, really kills me but, its some damn good writing. I had taken notice of a slight, elderly african american man who was very nattily dressed and sleeping accross the aisle from me. He was noticible because his head was resting on his chest a few inches above his belly button. I had stared at him for a few moments when I first got on, thought to myself "jesus christ, his spine must be shaped like a damn question mark!" and got to reading. A stop or so later, a tall skinny black man, who from his intense fragrance and dirty clothes I gauged to be homeless, got on the train and sat directly next to me. I thought about moving, but i always feel like a snotty bitch when I do that (though I did make an exception last week when a man whos brian chemistry had certainly seen more well balanced days got on and lit a long brown cigarette and started intermittently talking, smoking and spitting loose brown globs on to the floor) so I decided to stick it out, and I am so SO glad I did. The second he sat down he, noticed the obscenely bent and somnolent man in the seat in front of us and launched into this, verbatim:
"Greetings! Reporting live and direct from the manhattan bound F train, today we will be covering sleeping patterns of subway riders. Here we have a gentleman, clearly sleeping soundly, whos back is bent in the most astounding way! You can see the curvature of the spine is like a questionmark, and clearly the chest cavity seems to have give way as well to make room for the resting of the head. Now I know the subject, not well but I have seen him around, and I know that when he wakes up, his spine actually doesnt look all that different, still really bent, cant hardly raise his head. This is a good example of why you have to listen to those parents! Drink your milk. We dont drink enough milk, eat alotta candy, but not enough milk, gotta have those strong bones for a straight spine. I know my spine is straight, so Im in pretty good shape for a man in my life conditio...occupation as a interviewer and talkshow host today!" Me:(all pretenses of reading dropped and visibly laughing) " You are hilarious." Man: (getting up and getting off the train) "I know. So that concludes tonights subway sleeper segment of the Dave Chapelle show tune in next time and drink that milk." Unbelievable. No one else even raised an eyebrow. It made me wonder what his life circumstances were and what all he does and did before he became who he is now, and smelled like a new delhi public restroom.
So, the city is in an uproar over the childabuse related death of seven year old Nixzmarie Brown. The NY post and other crapass newspapers are splashed with headlines such as "Evil stepdad can never suffer enough! and Nixzmarie's Mom: the Silent Monster! everyone is just a scratchin their heads as to how this could have happened. The story is that she had been being tortured for years (starting with the name Nixzmarie,) was made to urinate and defecate in a cat litterbox, eat catfood, was severly beaten, missed 47 days of school last year, social services had been to the house multiple times and failed to take the case seriously enough to remove the child from the home. She took a yogurt from the fridge without asking and was tied to a chair and beaten to death as her punishment. Honestly, the child was lucky to only last seven years. There are so many kids like that out there, and nobody hears about them until its too late. Every one was talking about it all the time, about how evil her parents were and how they couldnt understand how you could do that to a child. There may be some mental abberation in those two but somehow I doubt it, we create those kind of violent monsters with ease. Loveless, cruel childhoods, a little military time, hundreds of war and violent crime movies by the time you turn 20, kill and maim video games, and the constant throb of the press reporting and repeating every sick and twisted human event they can get their nasty hands on. Add to that malnutrition, hormone/additive rich and nutrient poor food, caffeine, sugar, alchohol and drug abuse, dehydration, air pollution, low self esteem and possible childhood sexual abuse, urban claustrophobia and the ultimate dreamkilling reality of abject poverty, then you expect to have a loving nuclear family? Im suprised this isnt more common. The dominicanattitudeproblem.com assistant at work waited an hour and a half in a line outside the funeral home on the lower east side to get to see the child in the open casket ceremony, apparantly they had put her in a little wedding dress, how cute. Why would you ever go to that funeral??? I cant even imagine. People are such tragedy whores. Anyway, it was upsetting to constantly hear everyone's stupid opinions about why the mom hadnt stepped in to help and what their punishment should be.
Things havent gotten any better with simple Simon, I realized another thing that bothers me about him, any time you look up or look at him, he is already looking at you. Hes like one of those paintings that is staring at you no matter where you are in the room. The asking stupid questions thing is so over the top, and he uses gloves everytime he shampoos, so his horrible little hands dont get dry. On busy days he goes through almost an entire box of gloves. AND he takes his watch off every time and then puts it back on and takes it off again five seconds later. JUST LEAVE THE ACCURSED THING OFF!! Why do you need to know what time it is anyway? Whatever, I still need Jesus.
Ive been hustling all I can, emailing and calling all my photographer and makeup connections, trying to start assisting and doing more freelance stuff. Thats why Ive had all these meetings that havent happened. But its ok, itll happen soon enough and Ive gotten myself mentally prepared to start doing more creative and risky stuff so thats good.
Today I spent quite some time on the phone with the WA state Dept of Licensing. I have been trying to stay positive and patient and not kvetch but when I called today and found that still. nothing had been sent out at all, I was through. No more Ms Nice Gal.
Here is a timeline of my interactions with them, nay with Theresa, who should be taken out FRONT and shot.
1. Aug, I pass the practical and send my pass letter as well as a form from Ms. Kendra stating that I had finished all my hours to WADOL to request paper permission to go take my written exam. Late Aug I get all my application forms back from NY state saying that I need a whole slew of paperwork from school and WA state that they didnt specify on their website and so they are unable to process my application. Back to the drawing board.
2. Sept. Nothing arrives and I am forced to move to NY without taking the test. I call mid sept and theresa informs me that nothing has ever been received from me at all. In fact there is no record that I exist in their database. So, I have to resubmit everything, and now I need to send an extra 25 dollars and a letter requesting hours certification to be sent directly to the NYDOL so they can let me take my test here.
3. November. Ive received nothing, so I call Theresa again, yes they have received my letter and it seems Ive over paid 25 dollars so they didnt do anything with it. Mind you the letter spelled out what the checks were for like it was for a 2nd grade esl student. But, patience persevered. They had also not entered my social security number yet. I implored Theresa to please send the letter about my written exam to my moms house and the letter of hours cert directly to NY.
3.5 December, I call her and she says that shes sending that out this afternoon. I call a week later and leave her a messge that I am coming home and need to take the test while I am home so the paperwork has to be there absolutely no later than the 20th of December.
4. later in december weeks after we spoke before. I go home to seattle, just knowing that the letter will be there waiting and I can take the written test while Im there, even drive to olympia if i must, and have this miserable crap over with so I can start the same mess in NY. No letter. No test.
5. Early Jan, I call and leave two messages, unreturned.
6. Today, jan 23 (the day office max was supposed to deliver my business card software and didnt) I called again, this time theresa's fucking voice mailbox is full, so I just call the helpline and get anyoldperson. I got a young woman named Desiree. She opened up my file, my SSN was entered, and she could see records of my calls and my payments BUT TO THIS DAY NOTHING HAD BEEN SENT ANYWHERE!!!! I was beside myself. Am beside myself. I told her, Desiree i dont know what to do here!!! Imagine my frustration having this conversation again after four+ months! Why should I beleive that you are going to send anything out? I cant bear to give you my address again! And whats more, I spoke to the manager of the WADOL (which i should have done freaking months ago) Theresa and Desiree's superviser Rosie (yes I told her theresa should be waiting in a soup kitchen line and applying for job retraining in a nutcracker assembly line) who informed my that as of Feb first, the DOL wouldnt be administering the written exam anymore so I dont even NEED that stupid letter anymore and I have to take a test administered by lasergrade which will cover an entire section of Anatomy and Physiology that the DOL administered one did not and was therefore not covered in school! Unreal. All this so I can do hair. It is easier to get a chiropractors liscence and youre snapping freaking necks. I could cry.
I had a date, set up by two clients of my boss. Two older jews, of course, who are adorably and happily married, a second marriage for both of them. So I told them they have to set me up with someone so I can be as happy and adorable as they are. They immediately think of someone who has been after them to hook him up with someone and promise me that we will have a double date in the next couple of weeks. They had a place they had all been wanting to go, and he said when they found him a date that he would go. I didnt even ask where it was. I met him at his restaurant on the upper east side by my work. He owns a very cute little arab style restraunt where he does all the cooking and the food is REALLY good. His car had been stolen the day before, so we pile in to his produce delivery van, which is huge and bright yellow. We drive to harlem where i am told we are going to a bbq joint called the dinosaur pit. Great ribs. I had to tell him, the vegetarian thing, but that I was sure Id be able to find something. So we get there, its raining, the place is loud and kind of like a less corporate Outback Steakhouse type vibe. Big and gimmicky. But our datemates are waiting for us. We take our table and everybody orders...baby back ribs. I'll have the catfish, not kosher still but at least not pork. Its a very traif sort of place. We had a good time, we did. The couple is hilarious. The man wholesales walnuts and rubber gloves (which is how he knows Judah, he keeps simon in the small latex, no powder gloves) a very interesting combination which I tried to examine further for its genesis but was unsuccessful. She has one deformed hand and I cant remember for the life of me what she does for work. Something real estatey. They are raising her youngest daughter, and the both have older kids who are out of the house. As they were devouring (they both ate astonishingly fast, and I am really not that slow of an eater myself) their pork ribs she commented that he had to finish hers since they couldnt bring home leftovers. Why not? I ask. Theyre not kosher! But youre eating pork! Yes but we dont bring it in the house, we keep a kosher kitchen or the kids wont come over. What a disaster. Somehow I dont think thats what the ol' holy one blessed be he intended with his dietary restrictions, nor the rebbes who developed the kashrut laws, but, who am I? As for the guy, he is really sweet and generous. He works hard and seems really loving. I dont think we have a tremendous amount in common and he is 75ish pounds overweight, which is a toughie. Hes just not active...which Im really not either at this point...but I am getting back on the horse... joining the prospect park Y this month... death to total inactivity! I dont know, I want to hang out again and see if I can get past that superficial crap. I took this great Italian woman Emmeti who works with me to class at Djoniba, we took a beginning class, which was more like afrobics than dance. Packed with people, just packed. They love the hybrid sabar djembe excercise pablum. The guy hardly has to teach, all his students know all the routines and warm ups by heart. Crap if you ask me, but a good way to learn how to follow in a dance class, easy steps and easy combinations so you can see how things go together and start hearing the breaks. Emmeti had a great time, she is so exuberant about life, and so beautiful. She has more personality just evervescing out of her than anyone I have ever met. Salt of the earth, Im telling you. I gotta teach her some dance so we can go to a real class and skip the pablum.
Everyone, start reading Wallace Stegner immediately. What a writer, makes you proud to speak english. Just finished All the Little Live Things, really an inspiration. The way that he defines his characters with the way they speak... its not even that the narrative is that gripping but you just want to read more of how he says things and what his characters think about. Wonderful. His descriptions of the california landscape are amazing. The way he defines and lays out the psyche of the 60's hippie underacheiver is stellar. Some of my favorite few pages of reading ever.
Im going shopping this week, pants ahoy. Wish me luck!