911 is a Joke

Chuck D had much inspiration and evidence for writing the ever popular 80's rap anthem "911 is a Joke." And the young american public had and has many reasons for embracing it. None of them are funny, though and thats why the "Cops!" moment that we had in the salon yesterday tops them all. It was about two thirty and this very well dressed older woman with a very good plastic surgeon walked into the salon. She was short and petite, wearing the requisite upper east side fur bear costume, you could tell she was high maintenance and probably a little eccentric, but who isnt up there? So I gave her a smock and she had a very long consultation with the sweet japanese stylist she had an appointment with. Then I shampooed her, we chatted, she was unmarried, no kids, one estranged sister in Philidelphia and chalked her youthfulness up to never being bothered with the hassle of family. Yeah...I'll take the wrinkles and skip the life of lonely isolation, thanks! Plus Id give a little more of the credit to whichever MD she spent three college tuitions on. I know what you're thinking! Not this one though, Greek. Despie.
So, she sits down and starts the haircut. Not five minutes later I hear her going up to the desk "You have a very angry customer on your hands! very upset!" So from what I could hear Chaim told her he'd fix whatever she didnt like and she came and sat down in his chair. He hadnt cut hair the first when she starts screaming that hes ruining her hair, she cant believe this is happening. I was at the shampoo bowl with another client trying desperately to make out words from her shrill shreiking and Chaim's exasperated explanations. Sadly the driers soaked up the details but I could hear them fighting for several minutes! Every time he tries to show her what he wants to do, or explain something she tries to snatch the comb from his hands. Finally, he sees that his rational explanations are like spitting in the wind and tells her that hes very sorry but he wont be cutting her hair, she doesnt have to pay anything but that there is nothing more he can do for her. But Despie isnt satisfied!! No! She wants him to finish what he started, "but I didnt cut your hair." Despie "LIAR! Youre lying!" Chaim(trying to calm her down with classic Israeli hand on the shoulder) " Please.." Depie "Dont touch me! Take your hands off me! Youve ruined my hair and now you wont do anything about it! Im calling the police!!' Chaim "Please do! go right ahead" So Im watching from the back as she goes outside on her cell phone and read the dispatcher the address off the awning. I couldnt believe it. She then came back in and sat in Chaims chair and proceeded to sit there and wait, prompting one client to ask "what is she doing? waiting for her hair to grow back?" I was dying! I just knew that the police would never respond to such bullshit, but I hoped against hope that they would come and make this the most hilarious day of my salon life. And, because and inspite of this being NYC, the finest arrived not half an hour later. They listened to her tale of woe, and tried to take her seriously. Then they went over to chaim and told him that she just wanted him to finish what he started. He reiterated that he hadnt started anything which prompted a new bout of screaming accusations from despie, including that he had hit her! The look on the officer's face when he came over to the desk was priceless. " I have dealt with this subject before, what Im wondering is, is there anyone else in here that will finish the haircut?" Hell no!! Would you? I told him that there was no way anyone else would take on that kind of liability but that she was more than welcome to leave and never come back! And if they left without escorting her from the premises we would certainly be calling them back on a trespassing charge. The other officer came over and said "So long story short no one wants to do her hair and you want her to get out?" Bingo. I brought her her ugly ass mink and her lime green cashmere scarf and they led her out into the wind, cursing all the way. The receptionist said she wasnt suprised, that at the last salon she worked at she found out that there are these women who run the soho hair circuit calling the police for foul hair play and getting the best services free and moving on to the next salon. I find it absolutely stunning that someone so expensively accessorized could be willing to face total public embarrasment and shame in front of law enforcement preferable to paying 65 dollars for a cut and blowdry. Very strange priorities.
Berkelhammer, prawduct, the shoot