It is SO hard to find good help these days.

As background supporting evidence, I have gotten every piece of furniture I have had in NY on Craigslist and sold some too. Sold the coffee table that I dropped on my finger to a lovely Jewish man in the neighborhood (who fit the 4'x 4'glass top and frame into his hatchback...nine tenths of it sticking out of the hatch in back.) I bought Ben a fabulous office chair sight unseen last week for $15 dollars. We found our apartment in the housing section and ariel bought her awesome drafting table last year from a lovely chinese couple on the upper east side. I even dated on the list when I first got here. Never once have we had even a subpar let alone negative experience. I do not like cleaning. Shocking I know. But true. And I rarely have time to do it. So, given my unparalled success with Craigslist, I thought it would be a good idea to barter Haircuts for Housecleaning. I placed this ad:

my hair cuts for your house cleaning

Skilled and very personable hairstylist seeks dependable, trustworthy, detail oriented gal to clean her med sized, lovely, not messy, wood floored apartment (no dishes!) For this service you will get fabulous haircuts every six to eight weeks (an $85 dollar value...some say priceless!) Cleaning experience and enjoyment a big huge plus. email if interested and well see if we mesh!

IN THE DAYS AND WEEKS FOLLOWING, I RECEIVED THESE RESPONSES. MY NARRATIVE IN ALL CAPS:

#1.

I'm really good at cleaning and I love getting awesome haircuts. How do we proceed :) ??


In a message dated 8/23/2007 12:24:05 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, I WROTE:

Interesting!! Sounds like it could be a good match ;) Are you a pro cleaner or just one of those naturally clean and organized people Ive heard about?

We should meet and discuss, whats your schedule like? I have to say Im pretty swamped for the next couple weeks at least in the daytime...could meet in the evenings after seven or so. Whats your name?

Look forward to meeting you,
Vivi

SHE WROTE:

Hi Vivi:)
Thanks for your email. To answer your question, I'm not a pro cleaner. I go to college during the day so evenings or weekends are good for me.

-Danielle


In a message dated 8/24/2007 9:55:26 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, I WROTE:

Great, lets figure out a time to meet. i have one or two other people who are interested so Im hoping to meet everyone in the next week or so and have a decision shortly after. Where do you live and would you want to come out to the park slope area after work one evening this weekend or early next week to meet? Maybe around seven thirty or so?
Let me know,
Vivi

SHE WROTE BACK:

Hi
Thanks for your email. Sorry for taking so long to write back. I was out all day. So can you tell me what ideally you want in a cleaner? Can I IM you sometime?


In a message dated 8/25/2007 12:24:34 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, I WROTE:

Not to worry, I was out all day too.
I dont really IM unfortunately, but you can call me! 206.406.1976
As far as cleaning goes, its nothing major. Dusting, mopping, straightening up, maybe the occasional organizational task, wiping down the stairs in the entry, nothing heavy or chemically.
As far as hair goes, a cut every 6-8 weeks and potential color down the line if all works out.
Feel free to call me this weekend!
xoVivi


AND IN FINAL AND SUDDEN WEIRDNESS SHE WROTE:


Hi
We both seem to be online at the same time tonight:) ok, just one more thing i want to say. I know you will probably think i'm nuts but i always thought it would be cool if a girl would be demanding and bossy with me. Would you like the idea of like ordering me around, making me do a really thorough job, and deciding what i have to wear when i'm cleaning and deciding if my cleaning is good enough to be allowed the privilege of a haircut? I guess i just like being submissive. i guess telling you this may make you no longer interested in me but i just wanted to be honest. let me know please:)



OK! IF I HAD TIME TO DOMINATE YOU WHILE YOU CLEANED MY HOUSE, ID HAVE TIME TO DAMN DO IT MYSELF NOW WOULDNT I? UNBELIEVABLE. BEN THINKS IT WAS A DUDE TROLLING FOR PEOPLE TO HARRASS!! DISGUSTING.


NOW THIS IS THE OTHER RESPONSE. THIS GUY SEEMED REALLY PROMISING:

Hello,


I have looked for this exact type of barter in the
past. What a pleasure to find that it wasn't some
unreasonable idea in my head!

My name is Jared. I'm a live-in personal assistant.
In addition to administrative tasks, I keep house for
my boss. I take care of all the apartment cleaning,
errands, and her laundry. I'm a hard working,
enthusiastic helper (and aspiring writer).

My hair is short. I know it's a simple job to cut
it....just keeping it short and a little messy on top.
But I can never afford to go to places that can add a
little edge and style to a cut. And I feel ridiculous
whenever I go to an old school barber...asking for
something special. So I would just really love and
appreciate having a regular haircut with someone who
knows what I like.

Depending on what you prefer, cleaning once a week or
every two weeks in exchange for a haircut every 6-8
weeks would be a pleasure!

Obviously I'm not a female. So I understand if that's
what you strictly prefer. But let me know if you'd
like to talk further. I'd be very happy to make this
work!


I WROTE BACK;

Hi Jared,
Thanks for your email, I just knew there had tobe
someone out there! So, Im not closed to the idea
of a male person, I just thought a girl would be
more into that sort of trade and generally girls tend to be less scary, but thats certainly not always true (SWF the movie?? :) <---I WROTE THAT BEFORE I GOT THE SUBMISSIVE PROPOSAL!!!) Anyway, every other week
cleaning for every four to six weeks haircut sounds
great. Lets meet and see if we mesh and discuss
details. I work at a very hip park slope salon and
also do fashion and commercial hair on set, so
messy and stylish is the name of the game!
Give me a call at 206 555 1975, if i dont answer
(often with clients) just leave me a message and
Ill call you back asap. thanks again and look fwd to meeting you. Where
do you live/work btw? Im in kensington, Brooklyn.
Vivi


Jared wrote: Vivi,

I'm thrilled that you're open for the trade. And
it's terrific that you seem to know the style I'd
really like. It's so simple. But it's going to be great
to have someone to trust and depend on for it.

I'm not going to be available to meet till tues or
wed. But getting in a phone chat before then,
even if it's just to say hi and make tentative plans, would
be great.

I've lived for a several years in tribeca, with my
boss. And lately I've been crashing with friends,
feeling out neighborhoods because I want to get my
own place: I've been staying in the west village, harlem,
and park slope (maybe the place i stay in park slope
is near your salon?).
So yeah: I'll try you soon. And maybe tuesday or
wednsday we can make a meeting time for a coffee
or such.
I'm happy you're into this trade!!
Till Soon
Jared (oh - and 1/2 my friends/family call me
Dan....so you know)<--- AS AN ASIDE, I DID THINK THAT WAS WEIRD!
917 555 5582

I WROTE:

Cool, looking fwd to meeting you. I have one or
two other people who are interested so Im hoping to
meet everyone by mid next week and make a decision
shortly thereafter. Ill be working onset in
downtown bk tues until around six or seven (you never know)
and in park slope on wed til 7:30. Could meet with
you in park slope or downtown mnhtn after work.
Let me know what works for you.
Vivi

Jared wrote:
Hey,
So tuesday or wed evening works for me. I'll be in
Park Slope. I'm very new to staying around
here....getting around is a bit challenging. But I
seem to have a grasp of Union, President,
Carrol....and then the numbered streets....4th, 5th,
6th, Ave......So if you pick a place that's wihtin
that perameter I feel confident about finding it.
And we can have a quick meeting.
Let me know. Looking forward to meeting and seeing
if we can work something out.
I wanted to ask if you planned on laundry being
included in the deal (it's OK if you'd like that). And if I'd be cleaning any shared areas of the
apartment...if you have a roommate(s) and if I'd sort
of being cleaning for them too. It's all cool. Just
wanted to get an idea.
Thanks!

I THOUGHT THOSE WERE REASONABLE RESPONSES, SO I WROTE:

Hi Jared,
So lets do wed night at seven thirty at tea
lounge...i think its tenth st and seventh ave.
No, no laundry. Thats way too much to ask. Really
itll be just basic cleaning. Yes I have roomates
but Its not a huge apt and It would really be
cleaning only in the common area, kitchen and
entryway. No ones bedrooms. We can discuss further
on Wed.
Lookin fwd to it, I have dark hair and bangs.
Have a great weekend.
Vivi


THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS TO HEAD SOUTH:

Vivi,

I just just got a call from my boss: she's having me
work at her place tonight for a pedicure party. I'm
sorry, I can't say no. So I won't make Tea L ounge
tonight.

I also know that you're meeting other candidates for
the position. If one of them is great, I understand
if you have to go for it.

What can I do!! I'm sorry.

-Jared

PEDICURE PARTY??? BUT, THIS IS NY, SHE DOES LIVE IN TRIBECA, SO I MAINTAINED HOPE:

Not to worry, I think youre my most promising candidate so we can postpone. Im exhausted anyway :)
Want to try for Friday at 7:30?
Vivi

Jared Chabon wrote:

Hi Vivi,

Because my boss is back, I'm occupied more than
expected. I told her about this cleaning barter: she
wants me to go through with it but she wants to be the
one who gets the haircuts. It makes sense because I
clean for a lot of people all the time she has
arrangments with - and then she keeps the money. So
now I don't know what to do. She wants to email with
you. But I said let me ask you before I gave her your
address if you'd be OK with doing her instead of me.

Another option is for me to just tell her you found
someone else and then we can proceed to meet and
possibly work something out.

Let me know what you think. Thanks.


AND SCENE! THATS WHERE I GET OFF. NO CAN DO-SKI JARED MY MAN. TOO FREAKY, KINDA SUBMISSIVE YOURSELF ARENTCHA!?! SO I WROTE THE POOR YOUNG MAN:

Jared,
Wow! Your boss sounds kind of twisted, that is totally unfair. I think that this would swiftly become too complicated for me. I had a pretty discouraging experience with the other person i was negotiating with so I think ill drop the whole thing.
Best of luck.
Vivi

AND IN CLOSING HE SENT ME THIS:

Hi Vivi,


I'm sorry that I more or less wasted your time and
that this isn't working out. I wanted you to know
that I was really sincere in wanting to work something
out. Your describing my boss / situation as "twisted"
is a bit of a wake up call: I suppose I am very used
to being used by her however she sees fit. Obviously,
a cleaning person should be the opposite of drama - he
or she should simplify the life of the person they;re
working for. So I'm so sincerely sorry for this back
and forth that led to nothing. My apolgies.

Best of luck,
Jared

SO MUCH FOR THAT IDEA! Back to the ol proverbial drawing board on the housecleaning tip. Man, it is SO hard to find good help these days. I guess Ill have to pay someone or GASP do it myself. Gawd fuhbid.

Macy's Service Hellevator

I am icing the joint that connects the tarsal bone of my big toe to my first metatarsal because... its killing me. As is my left hip flexor, injured in a workout meant for strapping gentiles, and splinty, which swells in the evening. As my aging, yet seemingly well preserved body reminds me, I have been working seven days a week. My normal four for slope suds and the other three assisting hair and makeup shooting the Macy*s Catalog. When you shoot for Macy*s you are on the ninth floor of a once beautiful old art deco building that now stands, among other regal old queens, in the disgusting shopping center in downtown brooklyn that is "the fulton mall." Fulton obviously used to be a playground for social elite, business men and ladies who lunch. Now it is overrun with stores that pander to the working/welfare poor. very very cheap clothes, not so cheap sneakers, stores that cross merchandise gold jewelery (mostly personalized,) cell phones and DVD players, mc donalds, burger king, popeye's, weave and wig stores, vendors selling books by "black authors" (erotic fiction for women and glory-of-the-gang tales for men,) shea butter, purses and belts, and if you know where to look, crack. Its terrible. So Macy*s is in the middle of all this. You have to go through the service entrance (servant's quarters) to get up to the ninth floor. So you take the freight elevator with all the other employees who stock and clean and paint and hang clothes, process returned goods and god knows what else behind the scenes that makes the big chinese goods vendor that is Macy*s run smoothly. They do not employ america's most promising citizens. Shuffling men with thick glasses and low iq scores push multiple racks of hangers from floor to floor. Tattooed muscular white men from Sheepshead bay and Floral Gardens work, talk loudly and move HUGE pallets of boxes, and all kinds of black and carribean people from the neighborhood, mostly young men and older women, paint sets, hang clothes, apply tags and maybe just ride the elevator up and down from ramshackle floor to ramshackle floor having depressing conversations about other employees. These conversations usually involve drug problems, partying (see drug problems,) how much (little) they're being paid at macy*s and when theyre getting their nails done. The servants quarters in NO WAY resemble the clean, opulently decorated and waxed floored areas that are used to sell the merchandise. When the elevator opens in the service floors you se chicken wire walls from floor to ceiling with all kinds of boards and makeshift shelves behind them. Peeling and graffitied paint, broken metal doors and barred windows. Who would want to spend 2100 on a sheared beaver coat under those conditions?
Meanwhile on the ninth floor (where we at least have air conditioning, we're doing our damndest to make beaded sweaters, cotton knits and brightly colored berets look attractive. A tall order for any hairdresser. Its kind of fun, and I learned how to make it look like its snowing, which is interesting. Two guys each stand on a ladder holding the ends of a long board across the top of the set. You pile fake snow on the edge of the board over the model and the guys gently shake the board. Ta da! "The perfect gift" is born! I really like the women Ive been assisting, theyre really nice and down to earth, which makes the job much easier. Plus theyre really both makeup artists so theyre glad to have a hairdresser on board. Most especially since they insist on having "wind"on the models all the time so we spend most of the day operating these huge fans and trying to get their hair to blow in a way that doesnt look like they were on the bow of a ferryboat, and alternately brushing it out to do the same thing again.
The people who work for macy*s are a trip. They all seem to work all the time and truly, unironically believe in the artistry of catalog production. They tell the models 'look a little less catalog," as if you could feel anything else wearing a full length black pleated skirt with black tights and a red 3/4 sleeve sweater with "pearls" around the neck and cuffs. There are two creative directors: a short gay man who wears madras shorts all the time and cant stop kvelling about how he love love loves edda (you'd recognize her, shes the face of j crew but she shoots for macy*s as well) and despite being a man with a shaved head manages to rawther remind me of the Nanny from Eloise, and his boss a mannish heavy set woman with black hair who lumbers on set, pronounces what she doesnt like, puts the fear of god into the art directors, who make a bunch of totally arbitrary changes, adjusts her thick framed costello glasses and blows back from whence she came, sucking on a frappucino.
Its not always a good time, but it pays well, so until the christmas deadline, ill be doing ponytails and iron curls and manning that damn fan with a smile!!