Bums Say the Darndest Things!

Thats my genius idea for a new Bill Cosby or, in a pinch, Bob Saget, video clip show. The premise is as follows. Ive noticed a trend that those in the very most destitute of circumstances seem free to provide the commentary that none of us, hampered by manners and pesky social constraints are able to offer. Several of my friends and clients were talking and started sharing the outrageous and ego slashing comments that had come from the fetid and foul mouths of our friends on the lower rungs.
Firstly, the reubenesque receptionist at the salon was shopping at her local Sheepshead Bay grocery store. A familiar homeless person who has set up shop in the parking lot of said grocery offered, for a sum, to assist her loading her items into the car. She politely declined, as her boyfriend was well able to load them himself. At which time the bum offered this sage and unsolicited advice "You should try Jenny Craig." Heya! Thanks!! Maybe I will! You should try bathing! Or perhaps pulling down your pants when you relieve yourself! The same generous suggestion was offered to the voluptuous date of a friend of mine, on their first night out together sending her into a paroxysm of insecurity and basically insuring that their first date be the last. Maybe bums should be the next Jenny Craig spokesperson as soon as the shock of Queen Latifah being a 8 instead of a 12 (gasp!) wears off. Picture it: set in the parking lot a portly housewife ambles to her SUV weighted down with bags of cereal straws (oh I saw the ads, "dip, sip, munch!" that didnt get by me!) and pringles and a bum, a la Nick Nolte in Down and Out in Beverly Hills, pops out from behind the car and in a raw and cigarette rough voice says "Have you called Jenny yet?" Then all the slender bums doling out much needed weightloss tips can be integrated into the jenny craig street team, jobs for the jobless and we can all keep hearing the truth about our fat asses when we least expect it!

Story number two:
A client and friend, with a closely cropped but undeniably curly coif, overheard our story exchange from the chair next to mine, and offered this gem. He was coming out of the subway in chelsea, making his way around the resident homless gentleman who resides next to the village voice dispenser on the corner when the man commented "Nice jewfro you fucking white wigger!" He looked down to see our transient advisor smearing a rotten banana all over his face! Ok great! So do you think I should blow dry, sir? Or would a relaxer be a better option? Can I help you with your banana?

Thirdly, and perhaps my favorite, is my sister's tale of Supermarket parking lot woe. It was several years ago, but quite importantly after losing nearly fifty pounds on weight watchers. She was leaving QFC in the University village and walked by a homeless man who had set up shop in the lot so as never to stray more than a few yards from the adjacent liquor store. A few steps past the inebriated and besotted fellow he cried out "Fat AND Uuuugly!" She looked around in horror only to see that he must indeed have been referring to her. She said is was like he could see through her thinness into her all too recently fat past. I mean, bums say the darndest things! Are these people really in a position to deride us on, of all things, our appearances? Im not saying that we have higher moral or intellectual abilities than those who are affected by housing instability or perhaps drug and alchohol problems, certainly not, but i think if you havent showered since the watergate scandal perhaps you can keep your appearance commentary to yourself. Anyway, thank god they dont because every time I think about " Fat AND UUUUgly!" I too could pee my pants. Strangely none of them has ever said anything to me....I suppose its a matter of time.
Cant you just see the show cutting back to Bill Cosby's hilarious pursed lip face after showing one of those irreverent and quirky clips? It may be a strictly late nite show but i think it could go places.