Heimlich Dummy and the Lisping First Aid Lady

As dedicated followers may recall, I missed a few weeks the first quarter. During that time, I missed the mandatory, full day first aid class. No one in my class said anything to me about it really, and Re'na just gave me the handouts and told me it was boring. She probably slept through it...So, since all cosmetologists have to have their first aid card, I had to go through the little training with the new first quarter students. Michelle, mom's friend, remember? came in for a haircut at nine thirty so I did her hair, very cute, and came in the first aid class a little late. When I came in the energy in the room was really hectic. I hadnt really gotten a feel for what was going on but a couple of the kids in the whole class seemed to be really frustrated and a couple girls were heckling the teacher about some workplace safety minutia. I sat down and the girl next to me whispered "save yourself." I listened to this poor woman try to argue with the students...it was BIZARRE! The teacher, Sue, is a heavy set woman with curly grey hair, huge pendoulous breasts and glasses. She has self proclaimed hypoglycemia which she calls low blood sugar (she spent several minutes expounding on and sucking down a soy protein and fresh fruit shake,) and by the sound of it has been teaching first aid since the human body was invented. She has a pronounced lisp due to a missing righ bicuspid and first molar, which made words like "safety," "situation," "simple,"and "certainly" very hard not to laugh at. Ethpecially conthidering their extheththive uthe. She is TOTALLY obsessed with injury and illness and, i think manifests such things in the people around her just by her unlimited preparedness. She has a personal story for every imaginable accident, and is pretty much unwilling to take questions as they interfere with her storytelling. She happened to mention that she has a hospital bed in her minivan. Anyway, this new class had absolutely no compassion for this woman whatsoever, couldnt see the tremendous humour in her and were super annyoyed and super bratty. Their class has some really strange individuals. There is a large group of impatient black girls who talk at a loud volume all the time. Theyre all really nice and VERY funny but I can see how having to ask the class to be quiet every seven seconds could get old quickly. There is a white girl who I call Paris Hilton because she looks just like her and dresses like a hollywood slutlet. She came in late with a pound of pink lipgloss sliding off her always parted, grossly froggy lips and sat in the back alternately nodding off and picking her face. Drugs do such attractive things to people. The kids were excused from dress code for the day, so the only boy in the class (who volunteered during the discussion on choking that he heard Mama Cass died giving head) wore obscenely tight white jeans and and a Cuff tee shirt. He is flamingly gay, has a grown out don johnson-y silver and black do with matching stubble, is very old school, gives probing, queeny eye contact and according to the girl next to me who is an ex sccc drug and alchohol counsellor, has been clean(ie off intravenous methamphetamines) for one (1) month. He always eats unbelievably rapidly and standing up in the breakroom. One large black woman became the teachers pet by divulging that she had a massive coronary and simultaneous stroke last year. She is 24 years old and has six kids under six years old. Moving on.
Speaking of teachers pet, Sue took a real shine to me. I think she looked out into all of our faces and saw that I was actually listening and not thinking about how much I hated her, which is what all the other students seemed to be doing. She remembered my name, called on me frequently (thank god my name wasnt tharah or conthtanth) and caught my eyes and rolled hers as if to say, "god these kids dont know anything about emergency procedures, good thing you and I are here," like I would calmly begin abdominal thrusts if someone choked and turned blue. Oh, and when we were all demo-ing the heimlich manuver, she used me as a model. I had to collapse into her arms with her foot/knee btween my legs and have her fist in my diaphragm. She said (to point out how that position is more stable than standing straight up) "See, now I am in control." Always the joker, I said "you sure are!" At which point she laughed gruffly, whispered "that'll be the day" in my ear and smacked me on the ass. A moment to remember. After that the rest of the day was a blur...I know I revived a creepy mannikin whose chest rose with my two second rescue breaths, i know I watched endless workplace emergency scenario videos. I know I don't have to do it again and I know Im grateful for my ever dwindling, little, weird class.
Wed we did more waxing, Ms Belle was in the hospital with chest pains and possible bronchitis(what did I tell you about her need for new diet and excercise!!?@?) so we had ms V. I waxed Bintu's legs. Tuesday I pressed that nice Ethiopian girl's hair again, it took me half the time. I was psyched, and glad that she had come back and asked for me. She is gonna come in and get two strand twists in a couple weeks. After I did her hair last time, she tried to cut bangs on herself because she liked my hairstyle. WHat a nut. I told her I dont take the marcel irons to my hair because hers looks cute with a curl! Now she's constantly fighting the short super curly front of her hair. The grass is always greener! Then I did a manicure on a really sweet Ethiopian lady, a friend of Ms V's who imports all the spices and things for all the ethio restraunts and stores in seattle. She doesnt have any kids and instead founded an orphanage for homeless children in Ethiopia. It was a habesha day! Friday I did a shampoo rollerset on a very nice elderly black woman who invited me to her pentecostal church on 26th and pike. Ill probably go. After ramadan is over ;).
Then I did a relaxer touch up and decided when Im on my own, Im not doing relaxers. Im just not. I hate the process, I hate the concept and Im not even that hot on the final result. This woman's hair hardly even relaxed and the shit was on there for 40 some mins. I made her look cute with a cut and flatiron but the minute it gets wet, itll revert. Any longer and I would have risked breaking off her hair at the point where the new growth meets the previously relaxed hair. Its just not for me. The week was alright, it felt like a lot of time wasted, I did manage to be on time every day, which was good. Im getting a little more sleep and getting back to business. I just hate how inefficient everything is there. If this were my last week to live, I would be really upset with myself.
Im hungry, I'm gonna go make a salad. Next week...Waxing practicals! Mark, youre an angel!