Slogans

Slogans captivate me. Not just slogans like "I won't be undersold!" or "why buy a matress anywhere else?" (which is so incredibly stupid!!) or even "Now you've got a friend in the Diamond business!", but any emblazoned phrase designed to catch people's eyes and make them remember you, your store, your liscense plate frame, your hat etc. It started about a month ago when I was walking to my car from the Dark Village management offices. I refrained from walking through the lot because Ive been so frightened IN the car about the level of drift in people's driving at the village that I thought i should start staying in well marked areas as a pedestrian, lest I find myself branded with the telltale interlocking rings of an audi grill. So my new path found me walking lawfully past Land of Nod and crate and barrel. For those of you unfamiliar with the new friendly face of corporate conglomeracy (new word perhaps?)The Land of Nod is a creepily named store which sells only things for children and their bedrooms. Its very overpriced and for the children of women who decorate their homes to match the newest pottery barn catalogs. SO, the whole storefront is blue and white with "fanciful" designs and "endearing" childlike questions and comments painted over the windows. The one that left me gaping and started me on this sloganquest was as follows. "Mommy? When I count sheep, should i count the clones?" For the purpose of writing about it, ive been trying to put my finger on exactly what was so mindbogglingly bizarre and inane about this one and I cant quite...it has something to do with the grossly adult humor(lessness) of this supposedly naively childlike question, something to do with the disturbing idea of imaginary sheep clones and little children being so familiar with genetic engineering that they ask such a purturbing question in the twilight hours before drifting off to sleep. In any case, I stood gaping at it for a solid 10 minutes before preceding to the elevators, depressing the button marked with the pink cow that moos when it gets to floor "C," (A dog barks for D an elephant trumpets for E...you get the idea. its pretty charming)and sitting in my car shell shocked before winding down the Seatac style roundabout back to the street level. They chose that style of exit because the public was so concerned with the big ugly garage being built that they included a clause in the lease which promised a "shaft of light" would come through every floor. And it works boy. Id live in that garage if i could. My car, by the way, hasnt run the same since I let the grease monkeys at jiffy lube change the oil. First of all, they have this policy of taking out your air filter and asking you if you think you need a new one. I dont fucking know, isn't that why theyre paying you to be here?? Do YOU think I need a new air filter? Ive never seen an air filter before, they could be supposed to be purple for all i know. He said it was decreasing my gas milage so, hes the freaking expert right? it looked only slightly grey to me but there was a feather in it, and hell I dont know! Like I said, it could have originally been purple and faded to white through excessive use. So he put a new one in and left one of my vacuum hoses unplugged. THat makes your car die at any speed under 15 when you stop accelerating. There I am, gunning the thing in neutral hoping for a light change before the car dies and some overeager ponytail freshman communications/forestry major in her mom's volvo slams in to the back of me. WHen I talked to max, he said he changed the filter like a week and a half ago. Damn! I got suckered! I called them and told them what happened, after max fixed the vaccuum hose, and they said theyd refund me my $ from the air filter if I came in. I did, and I also suggested that they drop their policy of asking customers if they thought a new air filter would be a good idea. He said "yeah we like to leave it up to you." I told him if I wanted it left to me id change the damn thing myself and if i didnt need their expertise I wouldnt freakin be there in the first place. He said he could see what I meant and they revisit that in the next staff meeting. Id like to be a fly on the wall at a Jiffy Lube staff meeting...One more car related thing, I got home to a huge box from none other then The Lexus Empire of Evil Assholes: Bellevue Chapter! Well, I declare, I thought to myself. Havent heard from them in a while. Apparantly a guy named Earnest Laslaw had a stereo that didnt operate properly so he sent it to them for repair and they, with their distinctive flair for efficacy in customer service, promptly sent it to me. My name, my address perfecly spelled and zip coded. Its understandable, after all his last name does start with an L. I called and told them that Im sure they remembered me and I wouldnt be so much as stepping six inches out of my way to get the thing back to them so theyd have to call me and pick it up if they want the thing back. No word from them. I think my old friend Jason from the parts department would rather eat the cost of a new stereo than call me again. Hahahah!! Anyone want a probably non functional lexus stereo and disc changer?

So, slogans. Since then Ive been keeping an eye out. I saw a man with a white hat with black lettering which said simply, and with no punctuation "Out seeking crime" . A motorcycle cop with a smiley face ball on his antenna had a plate frame that read "grim reaper." And how about Ludacris' t-shirts that I saw at the Luda/Eminiem show that said in huge block letters "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY." Which probably would have shocked me (especially since the majority of people wearing them were tiny teenage girls who had them on like dresses,) had I not seen the t-shirt classic at a Guns-n-Roses show in 1989 that said "SHUT UP BITCH." Revolutionary. Then there are leigons of bumper stickers that almost make you want to rear end a body just to destroy the stickers. A couple come to mind, " Live simply so that others may simply live," "Our cries of grief are not a call to war," so neatly designed into a little 4x4 window cling. There seems to be something irresistable about marketing oneself to the public all the way from the corporate to the individual, we have to tell anonymous onlookers what we think about things or what were up to. Im certainly not immune with my vanity plates. Its an interesting phenomenon. Ill be keeping a running list from now on, I have a couple more good ones in the car Ill post soon.

RL was good this week, I got to cut Pradeep's hair off at 5:15 on thursday. Becca oversaw which was great cause he had very long and VERY curly hair which can really back fire on you if you make a couple false moves. It was cute. so much cuter than they ponybun. It was a challenge, hair that curly is so sculptural. you have to kind of cut yourgeneral shape and then carve into it to get the texture and weight that you want. Friday was my birthday, I was at school. Ms Alexander brought me a card and pictures from the Ebony Jet show, Colette brought me flowers and Ms V sang me happy bday over the PA. I stayed after to get a couple extra make up hours and got a rollerset. Looked alright, but GOOD LORD THE DRYER!!!! I Cant beleive I put my clients under there like its not a terrible punishment. Its like a little tiny head hell! A perfect little hell bonnet just for your head! And the girl who did it took a long time rolling it and used way too much setting foam so they never dried all the way and fell within a couple hours. So SO not worth it. A fun experiment nonetheless. Other than that, not much to report. Its kind of sad how not interesting or funny what happens at Robert Leonard is. Just one wealthy white person after another. I think I've met every wife of every big time real estate developer and contractor in Seattle. Mmmm...new money.

Beauty Bar and Costco Muffins/ Forget Costco Muffins, How About Altzheimers?

Beauty Bar and Costco Muffins 5/7
On Tuesdays we have theory. This entails preparations for the Washington State Cosmetology Board Exam which shall heretofore be known as the Beauty Bar. Our instructor is Ms Danielle who is the one I think I mentioned who is like Mini Ms Kendra, same dark on the bottom, blonde on the top hair, but she backcombs the top of her hair so her head is like a perfect bouffant sphere all the time. She taught at Gene Juarez Advanced training school. She is pretty in a very coiffured way, lots of makeup, very light lipstick though, interestingly enough. I think a little contrast would probably um..."liven up" her (deathlypale) face a little. She wears pointy spike heels and those oh-so-hip camisole/slip shirts, that are just underwear gone public, every day. She is very well versed in the technical aspects and seems to have a lot invested in us all passing the board exams the first time. Fine by me. It costs a fortune (one more way WA state lisencing rakes it in,) and sounds like a real headache. You can take it in Fife or in Spokane (in case you werent already convinced that it was hellish, the locations give it away) so you've got options! You have to bring this crazy kit with EVERYTHING youll need to perform all the services on your mannikin heads, and you have a space of exactly 2.5 ft by 2.5 feet to perform your testing in and store all your materials. There are like 30 people in the tiny test room and like 3 examiners, but the examiners have to see you doing all your saftey and sanitation details in order for you to pass so if they arent looking your way and dont see you doing something then you may fail even if you did it and have to retake the whole thing. Dont spend too much time thinking about that, its not healthy. You perform a perm wrap, three different types of color applications and a relaxer application, a haircut with a razor and shears, thermal curls (pre curled and then demonstrated with a cold iron...ok,) manicure w/ polish application (on a fake hand, YUCK) and a facial (on the wighead.) The whole test takes 4.5 hours. Its supposed to really only be testing you on your safety and sanitation, but considering we are using cholesterol for the relaxer application, and only being tested on the wrap of the perm, not our handling of the chemicals involved, and using a cold iron to curl (no heat=no curl) they really cant tell which student will be safe with the really dangerous aspects of the profession and which wont. Keep that in mind when you go get a chemical service performed! I think im going to take it in Spokane. I can visit dad and i think itll be even more hilarious east of the mountains. Far be it for me to miss a real comic opportunity.
Then there is the practical part of the exam. Here is the time to really let your vocationally honed intellect shine through with questions like:
What is an important part of a balanced diet?
a. A lot of fat.
b. A variety of foods.
c. A large amount of calories.
d. Potato chips.

Unkay?
Heres another gleaming example from the practice test we took tuesday:
Good posture is evidenced by
a. a pronounced limp
b. a spine which curves from right to left
c. a straight spine
d. a spine which curves sharply front to back

That one really killed me because it was like they were trying to catch people who would be using process of elimination, like "Oh damn, now I know it has something to do with spine so the limp is out, theyre probably trying to catch me up between these two similar ones! Is it front to back or right to left?" There is a lot of technical info on there, stuff we learned 1st and 2nd quarter, nail diseases and disorders, trichology, chemical makeup of perm and relaxers, pH scale and color theory...so there will be a lot of info to memorize but its intersperse with questions that would allow President Bush a MENSA platinum membership, so I think ill pass. Wed I went to Robert Leonard, Becca was out of town so I shadowed a really cool girl named Rachael. Nothing too interesting to report. Towards the end of the day one of the girls who I can tell doesnt like me, came up and said something passive agressive like "I know youre doing a lot of watching but just something the assistants do is check the sink in back to see if any color bowls need washing!?" Thanks for the tip! THen one of the assistants came up and was like "Will you help me with the shampoo refills, someone ask me to ask you, thats all." Gee, I wonder who? I dont mind doing any of that stuff, I just wish you could be direct. So I did it, tried to hustle around a little more than I had been so those who like to see people *trying* to look busy can feel satisfied. Im outta time for today, to be continued!

Forget Costco Muffins, How about Altzheimers? 5/15
After spending Tuesday doing hair at the Bessie Burton Altzheimers Long Term Care facility, I was less compelled to write about how SVI always brings us six huge donated trays of Costco Muffins and no matter how many times I tell myself that they are completely non nutritive and have the unsettling effect of making me not hungry for the rest of the day even if I eat one at 11 am, I cant seem to not eat one. In fact spending time around really elderly and really sick people kind of makes all the unbeleivably trite things I spend all kinds of time thinking about seem...unbeleiveably trite.
We got there at 10. The amazingly energetic young woman who coordinates all the activities for the residents gave us a breakdown of our day: We would be on the third floor with the regular residents until 12:30, then we would have lunch and move to the second floor, the Dementia Unit. You already know how I felt when I heard that catchy little phrase! Im cutting whose hair? I pictured myself cutting Jack Nicholson's hair in the shining, teeth bared, unshaven. She assured us (read: me, Im sure my face was very legible) that they were quite safe and well supervised, that everyone who we would be working on was okayed previously and that we should make eye contact and smile and that things would be just fine, that these people are a lot of fun. I felt very very unsure that I would have a lot of fun.
So we started on the 3rd floor. Everyone was in wheelchairs, some with head rests which made haircutting a little..uneven. Some people were communicative, some not at all. All smelled very much like scalp. The ones who could talk were so sweet and funny and so happy to be getting pampered. I gave so many haircuts I lost count. I cut off hard to care for silvery grandma buns into short bobs, trimmed the yellow ends of many white perms, and cut the uneven ends of new chemo growout. At 12:30 we went and ate at the SU cafeteria, watched the frighteningly young student body mill around and eat grilled cheese, then returned for our stint in the Dementia Unit.
The name of floor two, the Dementia Unit, is Sheltered Freedom. Eat your heart out, Presidential Administration, you wish you could get your hands on the Bessie Burton floor naming team. Its called Sheltered Freedom because the patients arent restrained to their rooms but can wander freely (and wander is the word) protected by locked doors, kept safe by a keypad with the uncrackable password: 2005. The current year. None of them can remember the current year. Over the keypad is an engraved panel that says "The password is the the current year" so that visitors can come and go. It does not jog the memories of the residents at all. Yessir. Something to look forward to.
I stuck with haircuts, it just seemed too intimate, the other services. We also did manicures and facials, the facials we had to use eggwhites and oatmeal and cukes, all edible stuff because people would eat it off their faces. I wasnt ready to deal with that at all.
Sheltered Freedom was the most surreal place Ive ever been. There was one woman sitting at a table loudly speaking German, something about how she was hungry and the food was better in Hamburg. I have no idea how I understood her but, I did. There Frank, a young (50 something) african american man who was, I was told, an incredible jazz horn player. Used to play with Jimi Hendrix, until early onset Altzheimers Dementia claimed him. He just stood still and looked down. Nicola cut off his big natural and gave him an allover 2 guard, but she didnt fade it or line him up and left him looking like a... a retard. So I lined him up and faded the back. He also used to be a barber so I think he appreciated it. He smiled a little when he looked in the mirror. One woman just kept saying womens names over and over and swaying. Colette had the creepy pleasure of cutting her hair. I gave one old man a cut who was a vaudeville style stage actor in his day. Apparantly he was a real cut up. I guess the sounds he made when i sprayed his head with the cold water were kind of funny. Since a lot of the funding for staffing these agencies comes from medicare, and weve pretty much done away with that ol' nuisance, they are very shortstaffed. The residents are supposed to get one bath a week (NOT ENOUGH) but I dont think they even get that sometimes, especially if they are difficult to handle, which they almost all are. I couldnt lift any one of these people out of their chairs let alone into some slippery shower. They didnt smell like feces or anything, but they had a lot of nasty scalp issues. I remembered how I felt when I turned away the guy with the sores on his head at the Millionair Club (yes it is spelled like that) and i took a deep breath and did it anyway. There was a man on the 3rd floor whose wife was there looking after him. He was totally incapacitated and she looked about 50. I asked, of course, if they were family and she said he was her husband, and that he was 17 years older than she. They used to run and play tennis together, she figured it was a little old but she had him on a very healthy diet and he was so active...didnt account for altzheimers. Note to self: date "men" in elementary school so I can be the one wandering aroung Sheltered Freedom while he looks at me lovingly and remembers our bygone tennis matches.
One funny and poignant part of being there was seeing that, even though few of them can communicate verbally and they cant remember anyone theyve met in the last 15 years, the little old black ladies roll their wheelchairs close together and the little old white ladies roll their wheelchairs up together. Segregation still works. Seperate, but Equally drooly and shaky. So funny, I guess race memory lasts longer than bladder control.
By the end of the day, we were all exhausted. Our class is so small and there were so many of them that we stayed until five and still didnt get to everyone. It was quiet in the van on the way back and I had a lump in my throat like when I did Marie Jew's hair. It was a sobering experience. We all think about how hard death will be but there is a lot of time before death that isnt really ideal either and we dont think about that as often as we should.
The next day I was at Robert Leonard. It seemed even more smooth and bougie than usual after Bessie Burton. I got a haircut from on e of the other stylists, yay. Death to the mop. Still a lil moppy cause I'm growing it out, but less pouffy. I am starting to be able to see the social strata there more clearly. The one girl who doesnt like me and wants me to be cinderella is hysterical. Everytime I see her, if she is visiting with someone or leaning on the wall or GOD FORBID sitting down, she gets up immediately and starts doing something as soon as she sees me. Like she doesnt want me to think she ever stops so Ill feel guilty if I do. You picked the wrong girl, homie! I could care less!! I cant believe she has been there 2 years and still makes herself crazy like that, she creates all these dynamics and problems for herself in a job that could so easily be fun and easy. Becca cant stand her, says she is a white trash nutcase. I think she is funny. Like a rat in a maze. She should go hang out at Bessie Burton for a few days and see how that does her.
Rarely does anything worth mentioning happen at the U Village Management offices where I have a maximum of 43 days left. However the Krispy Kreme Fiasco is certainly an exception to that rule. Last Monday Susie, the general manager, came in with 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. She said it was her daughter's bday at school and she didnt want all these donuts at home. She went back and put them on the little back table by the copier, GOD offices are hilarious. So one by one all the women come out of their little offices and say things like "Oh my god who did this?" and "Im two ton tony I cant eat those!" (you know I didnt make that up. its an exact quote. 43 days.)"Great just what my butt needs!" and each either took one or cut off a peice of one and ate it. A few hours went by, donuts untouched. One of the security guys comes in. I figured, great idea! Ill send them to security, the guys will love them, theyll be out of Susie's way and no one here will be forced to eat them compulsively just because theyre there. Long story short, when they start to notice the donuts are gone, one of the marketing girls, we'll call her Two Ton Tony, comes up to me and says "Where are they?" I told her I had given them to security, since no one here wanted them. "Oh, you dont think that'll hurt Susies feelings?" I still thought she had brought the leftovers from her kids party so i figured as long as they were gone she wouldnt care. So she calls me into her office and apparantly she drove all the way to Issaquah to get them and these are the ones that she bought specifically for the office and she was going to have one after lunch and not everyone got one and oh, have I been eating peoples food out of the fridge on the weekends? I guess I dont spend that much time around white chicks (just saw the movie, hilarious) to know that even though they talk about how much they arent eating somthing they actually want it and are just being...I dont know, neurotic and crazy both come to mind. So i feel bad. Plus no one is talking to me cause I gave away "Susie's donuts," and everyone is offering advice like "next time just ask the person who bought them before you give them away." Alrighty then.
So I do what any self respecting Jew would do to absolve myself and make them feel bad for making such a big deal out of some fucking DONUTS that NOBODY WANTS TO EAT ANYWAY!!! I pulled the, I think aforementioned triple toe lutz, bait and swich of guilt: I went to QFC and bought them new ones. It worked, everyone was like "oh Vivi, you didnt have to do that! Why did you buy those? I feel bad that you went to that trouble!" No you bitches dont! You would have made me pay for it in silence for weeks! 10 bucks in the bakery was cheap!! They all ate them.
An hour later, the same security officer comes in to make copies. He jokes: " I see, you give us the old donuts and you guys get new ones!" I gave him a very short description of what happened. Hes like "Oh, theyre still in our office, Ill bring them back." I protested, just keep them, we dont need them! "Thats alright, we dont want to keep anything thats not supposed to be for us." He said, panties in a bunch. He brought back the original donuts. Three huge boxes of donuts on our copier table. Dear Jerry Seinfeld...
Friday was good, Mrs Alexander in the morning, then Estelle my fabulous east coast jewish lady who absolutely cracks me up. I told her to go see watermarks, the documentary about the Hakoah Swim team (a jewish womens swim team in vienna at the time of the war.) It was fantastic. By an israeli filmaker. HBO, who knew? It was fun doing her hair cause I watched so many haircuts at Robert leonard I was itching to do some myself and try out all the things I learned. It came out great, I feel like I understand hair and the nature of its behaviour so much better. Then I did AC's eraserhead do, and a facial on my friend Chien-Yi. All in all it was a good week. Long but good. Not too many more of these weeks left, our last day of 5th quarter is June 14th. Where has the time gone? I'm glad Ive been keeping this journal every week, now we can all remember this outrageous process and how fast/slow it went by. The plum tree is all leafed out and the fig tree is shooting out little chartreuse feelers already. The lilacs have come and gone (damn early spring) and its the humid funny weather that means summer is about a month away, give or take a couple weeks. My birthday is in less than two weeks, I remember my shrek cake and balloons in the back classroom with Nathan, Ruby, Jamaaa, Bintu. Everyone was still there then and it was a completly different feeling. I cant believe it was a year ago. I wish I knew where everyone was.