The Impatient Native's Guide to Seattle Driving

Here it is, the long awaited tip sheet for anyone who has wept openly on montlake boulevard thinking, "I can see a stretch of open road in front of these two solid rows of cars! why dont the people in front just drive faster?" Oh, you tender beginning Seattle driver, NEVER ask why. They will not be picking up the pace. You may as well give it up.
These hard earned pointers will help you read outrageous driving situations quickly to get you to your destination in a safe, efficient and youth preserving manner. Mess around driving in seattle without some strategy and you will look older than your years and be unemployably late with a quickness. Read on...

1. Stay out from behind anyone with a display of stuffed animals in their rear windshield. They have other things on their minds, like HSN specials and fertility treatments. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

2.If youre going to the "international district," park and walk. Dont make me explain.

3. When driving from a central location (u district, capitol hill etc) to the south end, realize you will be behind someone, at some point who is either in NO hurry to get ANYWHERE, or is afraid that their immigration status will be discovered should they get within ten miles of the speed limit. No worries. Try to determine the ethnicity of the driver so as to better predict their driving. Slow is universal, but a Somali woman will be drifting across lanes without signaling, so you want to pass her quickly. Mexicans will be braking randomly when they see the spedometer coming up on 30 and at street crossings, do not tailgate. Southeast asians (often driving landscaping trucks) will be turning left, even if they arent signaling, pass them before the light. Black folks may pull over to the right at anytime without warning if they see someone they know on the sidewalk. Holla! African americans are generally pretty good drivers, however there isnt a lot of blind spot checking so stay visible, and usually there is some rollin' going on, see aforementioned no hurry. So if you are really trying to get somewhere, make sure its not traffic time on the freeway (HA!) and take that route if possible.

4a. Avoid MLK Jr Boulevard at all costs. Its a freaking third world arterial, and it looks like Watts after the riots. Riddled with Potholes the size of empty koi ponds and detours that leave one lane for both directions of traffic directed only by one SVI trained flagger whose carbon monoxide levels must be reaching terminal levels of toxicity. Thanks sound transit!

5. Know your sidestreets! 75% of Seattle is not from seattle. Theyll be taking 45th, 23rd, I5, Madison and Broadway everywhere. If you dont want to be a late, old lookin' sucka, youll be found on 65th, Roanoke, Hwy 99 (esp to West Seattle! i LOVE dipping through georgetown and southpark when everone is enmyred in the parking lot that is the W Seattle Fwy, tbthht!!) and Beacon Ave S. If you live in Mountlake Terrace or Lake Forest Park, sorry. I dont go out there a lot, and thats what you get for moving that close to Everett. Try Bothell everett hwy/lake city way instead of aurora/I5.

6. If there is one car in the right lane, and fifteen in the left, in most cities youd be better off going in the shorter line right? NOT HERE! Dont let the smooth taste fool you, there is a reason no one is behind that guy! Youd be better off gettin in the full lane and depending on your quick lane change skills to pass ol' girl in the lincoln with the beanie babies in the backseat and the I'd rather be contra dancing bumper sticker. Remember, no one in the left lane is going to be competeing with you for the spot in front of her so once you nose her out, youre good to go.

7. There does not need to be an accident/lane closure/baseball game/natural disaster for the freeway to be a parking lot. All it takes are a couple canadian tourists, down from vancouver to take in the sights, wondering where you get off for the pike place market, no one sees fit to honk or pass the bastards and ta da! youve got a 45 min delay through downtown, where the freeway turns into ONE LANE under the convention center. THis is where knowing your sidestreets comes in. Just get off as soon as possible. You can be assured alternate routes will be as ghosty as downtown spokane during the RNC broadcast. If there is a baseball game, or football, just stay home. You wont be getting anywhere and your forehead will have aged a minimum of eight months by the time you find a parking spot.

8. The "Deuling Slowpokes" effect. It seems that truly slow drivers compete with each other, where there is one lane headed up with Dr. 20mph, there will usually be another equally snail-like car in the other lane, afraid, i imagine that should he overtake the slowpoke in lane 1, he'll be the sad sack who gets the ticket (somebody tell these people that you have to EXCEED not REACH the speed limit to be in contempt of the law!)Unfortunately, there is no escaping the dueling slowpokes. Your best bet is to drive a not very powerful car so it isnt racing under you to go more than 20mph (a good bet for any seattle driver, anything over 4 cylinders is just frustrating) and have a great stereo. That is so key, no wait is too long if it sounds like R. Kelly is right behind you telling you he can hear your body calling...

9. Dangerously Cautious. This one is close to my heart as my mom is a perfect example. Imagine: You are on a large arterial, you approach an unmarked intersection, the crossstreet is small, but yes, cars do travel on it, they however usually have a stop or yield sign. You do not. However, you come to a nearly complete stop to make sure no one is entering the arterial with whom you could potentially collide. Now it sounds like safe and cautious driving, but in actuality, its a recipie for a ten car pile up! Its the worst thing driving can be: UNPREDICTABLE. Nobody thinks youre going to make a full stop coming up John from broadway just because tenth crosses it! Dangerously cautious leads to an irritatingly righteous driving attitude (if everyone were as careful as I am there would be no casualties!), and to totally sporadic and unpredictable driving conditions. Areas of highest concentration: Wallingford (lesbian parents are notorious), Laurelhurst/U.Village/35th area, Seward Park. Beware! Dangerously cautious often afflicts in combination with slowonthehomestretchitis. A dangerously cautious driver who drives at an almost normal pace while on arterials slows laughably when entering their neigborhood of residence. Be especially careful in fully residential areas like the ones mentioned above.

9a. With further reflection and feedback from other impatient natives, it has become clear that the Dangerously Cautious element is really the crux of the Seattle Driving Problem (SDP.) It is a many tentacled monster. For instance, my Sister just called me and reminded me of the unique driver pedestrian relationship here in the emerald city. Seattle drivers stop for pedestrians at all costs. In fact, my sister was compelled to remind me about it because she had just done it. Having grown up here, even knowing how stupid, blandly, meaninglessly kind and dangerous it is, she just cant help herself. Drivers will come to a screeching halt, causing rear ending, t-boning, endless backups and delays just to allow a hale bodied walker to get across an unmarked, non crosswalked street at that very moment. In point of fact, you can see the irritation on the PEDESTRIAN's face as the driver "politely" interrupts the flow of traffic for them. I know from experience what the person is thinking; "Christ, just keep moving, just go! I dont mind waiting! I could cross in a second after everyone passes! You worry about you, Ill worry about me! Argh, fine, I'll go. Yeah, Thank you, Thanks so much!"
Also I neglected to mention a key player in the SDP which is the misunderstanding that cars do not both turn and maintain acceleration at the same time. Apparantly, King/Peirce and Snohomish County drivers ed programs are propagating the misinformation that power steering only works in concert with the brake pedal. If you are behind someone who is mysteriously slowing to a near stop, they are probably (without signalling of course) preparing for the weighty challenge of a right turn. Pass immediately.

10. Backing up, backing out, and parallel parking. Most people in Seattle arent actually driving, theyre just operating the car. That means when it comes time for some fancy footwork,involving gear changing and over the shoulder looking, WATCH OUT! They will be parking in the middle of two spaces, so get where ever youre going early and prepare to pay just to avoid the "why couldnt they have just pulled up two feet and I could have parked behind them!" feeling. For god's sake be careful in parking lots. As soon as its time to go, its time to go. She may have sat there reapplying her mascara for ten mins while you waited for that spot but she didnt notice you were there and she WILL be backing into you if youre less than two minivan lengths from her seqouia. Thats another thing, people have no idea of the dimensions of their car. Just give a wide berth even if they dont need it, cause they think they do and youll just end up having to back up so they can have four extra feet on each side. Also, White people WILL give you the finger as they pass you if anything in the driving interaction didnt go as they would have liked. Hey, they dont know you so who cares? Apparantly human dignity is less important than getting out of the Harvard Market parking lot at your own speed. But theyll stop for you at a crosswalk though, no matter what! Youll be crossing in style! And like I said, if youre going to the international district, park and walk. Just do it.

Well, there it is. Just a beginning, but if you follow those guidelines, you can expect to see fine lines and wrinkles decrease by 25% within six to eight weeks. And who knows, maybe someday we will actually be able to think of public transportation as a viable option instead of a knee slapper. Until then, good luck seeing over the Denali in front of you and check out Magnolia Hi Fi for a new sound system, the S-Curves never sounded so good!