Labolindsey J. Swihart

In a final calculated move which rivaled the gaslighting of Empire of Evil Assholes; Lexus of Bellevue Chapter, the Washington State Department of Licensing (who must have felt their feindish vice grip on my progress beginning to ebb,) sent me, at excruciatingly long last, my license and the coveted Certificate of Licensure!! "Calloo Callay!" I thought, "I can now send in the other paperwork from SVI to NY DOL and be on my way to all of their asanine testing centers!" And if all they needed was a copy of my license, I'd have been right. But, no, they need the certificate of Licensure. And though I do have one, its as much use to me as the land treaties were between the Pequots and those peaceable britsh settlers... since the damn thing is made out TO THE WRONG PERSON. And that person, who may be holding my certificate in their hot weird, genderless, little hand, if they have hands, goes by the name of (drumroll please...) Labolindsey J. Swihart.
When I read that name, in the column marked liscencee, right beneath my correct name and address, I became completely hysterical. I cannot remember laughing that hard ever. Is that a name? What in the hell? My mom suggested "Maybe its Thai (whispervoice:) they have very strange names!" Court posed the question; "Is that a name or did someone go face down on the keyboard?" and reminded me of my first job, as a telemarketer, for a company named CamTy (which turned out to be a fraud. I was colleting money in the name of search and rescue from little old ladies for the personal financial gain of my boss, who turned out to live up the block from me and i had to see him all the damn time after he got busted. Very awkward.) At CamTy I amused myself by collecting lists of the strangest, silliest most bizarre names off of my call lists. Names such as Larry Longnecker and Sporer Dalyrimple. Raquel swears she has the lists in some box of her stuff at her moms but alas, lost to me. Anyway, we spent many high, collegiate hours in tears over those names and I wouldnt have been at ALL suprised to find Labolinsey J. Swihart on one of them. When i managed to pull myself together, I called Rosie McGrew (which is more than a little Dr Seuss-y sounding itself) and thanked her SO much for being so expedient and sending me a certificate, now could i get one in my own name? What a fucking joke that place is. Now new york has THREE different and incorrect certificates of licensure for me, im sure thatll really speed the process on this end. Christ. As I write now though, my application with all materials present is at the NY dept of state, I am officially finished with WA state DOL.
I have been working a lot here getting my book together, ive done some really nice shoots with that lovely kiwi photographer. I met with a rep for freelance hair and makuppers in chelsea, which is exciting. Now she has me on their list to assist any of the artists they rep when they need assistants. I finally got to work with Marlette, this incredible makeup artist and fabulous woman who I have been maniacally pursuing since I got here. She had a job doing a print ad for some sony product or other that was from three in the afternoon until three in the morning last Saturday. Last sat was a hell of a day. Heres the deal.
Remember Abena? My dear friend from SVI? Well listen here. Her husband was shot and killed in a seven eleven parking lot in Kent last week. He was a G, he really was. And a pimp. Could be a bastard, but was a great father, and her man for ten years. He pulled up in the parking lot at an inopportune time, it seems. Some asian gangster types had just gotten into a drunken arguement with the clerk who refused to sell them more alchohol. As Abena's man and his brother pulled up behind the car, the kids, in a drunken temper fit, just sprayed the lot with rounds of bullets. Only one person was hit. The bullet passed through the trunk into the back seat and into his spinal column and he was dead before they got to the hospital. I dont really go into other people's stories in this thing unless they pertain. I say that to say this, as Ms Alexander would say. Its a complicated story, he was really stuck and was doing his best to stay that way, making the wrong choice at every turn, paralyzed by growing up. We do not have forever to make up our minds. Fuck around too long and the choice will be completely out of your hands. Since her husband was originally from New York, his family flew his body back here for the funeral and Abena and their three children packed as much as they could and moved to the bronx to live with her in laws. Sat was the funeral at a lovely, small chapel in harlem. I was the only white skinned person there. It was good to see all the family coming together, weird to see his young beautiful dead face in the casket, heartwrenching to see his kids looking at his body. The saddest thing was to think of that stupid spoiled drunk moment robbing these kids of a lifetime with their dad, and their dad robbing them of it by being wild and out when he should have been home. Its just awful. But its just wonderful that Abena used the momentum to move out here like she had wanted to and couldnt while he was alive holding her back, just wonderful that she has this great chance to start over with all this family and even more wonderful that her kids dont have to grow up in West Seattle. So lemonade is being made, theres just some tears in it.
I had already taken work off for the funeral (more on that later, this day is to be instrumental in my employment history i think) so when Marlette's agency called to see if I could assist that day and I had to be in harlem at the time it started i felt rather discouraged. However, i told them i had a funeral and I could be there by 4:30. Funeral at two, on the A by 33o, transfer to the F at west 4 and in Dumbo (down under the manhattan bridge overpass) for the rooftop party shoot by 4:30. Marlette was doing makeup (duh) and i was doing hair. We had to do an angel and a devil and a boy who was supposed to have been wearing a dog suit all night so his hair was supposed to "look sweaty." It was a halloween party thing. Angel had very curly coppery red hair which I pinned up in sections to make a big hair halo around her head. the devil girl's hair was kind of like mine so i just backcombed it (the only way to survive an outdoor shoot intact) and flatironed the ends to be pointy and devilish. Then we spent a rediculously long time in the freezing cold on the rooftop, intermittantly waiting in the freight elevator to avoid the wind, while the (reputably slow) photographer took a kajillion shots and Marlette and I danced around, did the hokey pokey and the electric slide, both in scrubs her in a rubber alien head standing in as extras in the background. It still really didnt look like a party scene, but it was backdropped by the lit up brooklyn bridge, which was nice. Then the whole crew piled into the RV and drove to union square for the rest of the shoot. We got there around 11 pm. We had to do a shot of some jazz musicians and then a shot of two girls dressed to party in a cab. Devil girl got remade up with soft pink makeup and long wavy hair parted in the middle and the new girl had black razor cut williamsburg hair that could only be flatironed and then messed up with some waxy product. They looked good, and the idea was to make them look like theyd done their own hair so it wasnt supposed to look perfect. I was there until 230, when I begged off since I had to work the next day. I took a cab home. It was an amazing day. I feel like I can do so much in a day here now whereas when I first got here it was an acheivement to get to the grocery store and the post office in one day. Well, maybe the post office is a bad example, it is pretty much the only thing you can do in a day. By the way, my friend got the DVDs that i sent contraband through bribing the mail carrier!! I wish he and I could work something out on a more regular basis! Maybe a sign like UPS Yes or No that I can flip over when I have something to mail and dont feel like waiting in the postal welfare health clinic unemployment driver licensing line...
Yesterday I did Marlette's color. She has this outrageously long beautiful hair that she likes to color like wood paneling, white blond, honey blonde, chocolate brown all randomly woven in. It came out beautifully I have to say! It took me too long, but it was gorgeous. I gave her a cut too which looked great. I felt SO proud that someone of her stature in the fashion industry would trust me to do their color. I kind of cant believe it. The best thing is that we did a trade, that she'll give me makeup for my kit and ill do her color for free! She gave me so much fabulous makeup I am kind of overwhelmed by her generosity. It would have cost me almost a thousand dollars to buy what she gave me. Not to mention it all has her artist juju on it. Ill be in her debt not only for the product but for the faith in me and my skill for as long as I'm around. We went out, along with two stylist she worked with over the weekend, for drinks at Schillers the beautiful LES bar where the kiwi photographer works. We ate calamari and drank champagne, which was bottomless and led to a serious hangover today.